As I get ready to send my oldest to Kindergarten this year, I can’t help but wonder if I’ve prepared him enough. There are SO many important concepts and skills to teach, academically, socially/emotionally, and functionally (life skills, hello!). Being a former elementary school teacher, I’m realizing after almost 10 years of having worked in the classroom, that parents (myself included) focus too much of their energy on the wrong things. It’s saddens me the expectations that are put on kids these days and where we put our emphasis as parents and educators.
So much time is put into “teaching to the test”..drilling and memorizing. I know this from first-hand experience. We place crazy amounts of pressure on kids academically, trying to ensure they are reading and writing upon entering Kindergarten. But I’m here to tell you, if I’ve learned anything from being a parent and a teacher….
It’s not about the ABC’s and 123’s!
Sooo…. if it’s not about this, then what?!
I’m strongly believe that ONE of the best indicators of success (even though success is such an ambiguous term) is delayed gratification.
This includes the ability to maintain self control, resist temptations, sidestep distractions, stay disciplined, and regulate your emotions & behaviors.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard of the infamous Marshmallow Study conducted in the late 1960’s by Walter Mischel, a Stanford psychologist. Well, it was a pioneering study/research on delayed gratification and self control/self regulation among 4 and 5 year olds. If you haven’t heard of it, you can learn more about the outcomes at the links below:
http://www.live-anew.com/sites/default/files/Mischel,Shoda,%26Rodriguez%281989%29.pdf
https://jamesclear.com/delayed-gratification
https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/willpower-gratification.pdf
Do I think other factors play a role in the overall success of an individual? Absolutely. It never boils down to just ONE thing. However, based on research, I strongly agree that delayed gratification will far outweigh test performance, report card grades, medals won, degrees earned, etc.
I’ll never forget a comment my mom made to me after we just got married and moved into our new home. She noticed how people in our generation always want the next best thing. She recalls how they used her mother’s hand-me down furniture for the first 10 years of marriage….truly appreciating the couches (even if they weren’t in tip top shape), dining room table, and other necessities that helped them get started in filling their new house. It required patience and years of sweat, consistent work, and hard earned money to SAVE for granite counter tops in the kitchen and new wood floors in the family room. It’s delayed gratification she thinks this generation struggles with…..and I honestly couldn’t argue with her.
We all indulge, overspend, and make decisions that make life more comfortable, easy, and enjoyable. BUT, there is a lot to be learned in seasons of waiting or having to wade in the mud. It develops our character. It deepens our work ethic. It allows us to be grateful for what we have instead of constantly looking for what’s to come, wishing for more.
Think about it…we all want the best of the best and we want it NOW….the newest and latest iPhones or tech gadget, the upgraded kitchens, vacations in places that cost an arm and a leg….all of the luxuries our parents and grandparents worked years to obtain!
As parents, teaching and enforcing delayed gratification is HARD. Trust me, I’m in the throes of it with you…farthest thing from perfect. Is it easier to hand over the iPad during a doctor’s appointment? Heck yes! Does it make our lives more manageable, in the moment, to give in and let them have what they want to avoid hearing them whine, pout, cry, or talk back? No doubt! But, stop and ask yourself what type of habits we’re creating long term. My husband and I recall the days of our childhood when you would wake up on Saturday morning just in time to watch your favorite cartoon. Nowadays, you flick through Hulu, Netflix, and the likes to pick from the hundreds of options offered. Or, how excited would you get when your favorite song came on the radio! Pure satisfaction. Kids just have no idea how accessible everything is. Truth is….
We live in a 2 day shipping, Amazon Prime type of world
where everything we need or want is available at our fingertips in an instant.
There are 3 things INSTANT gratification often creates:
Entitlement (I deserve this or you owe it to me)
False sense of security (quick fixes/solutions)
Low self esteem (equate happiness to immediate results)
As a result, kids lack problem solving skills, creative thinking, and empathy. Many times, we give in to avoid the struggle. We seek convenience, dodge criticism (from bosses, coworkers, neighbors, peers, anyone!), fear judgment from others (avoiding that meltdown at the grocery store), and ultimately, desire comfort! From childhood into adulthood, the effects are lasting. Our responsibility as parents IS NOT to raise kids who are high achieving in academics, win all the awards, or get perfect grades. Our role is to help grow their social and functional skills. Our job is to assist them in understanding that life isn’t fair, money doesn’t grow on trees, waiting is inevitable, and you don’t always get what you want in a snap of a finger. (Dang, Amazon…I have a love/hate relationship with you),
Will my children eventually learn their ABC’s and 123’s? Yes. But, when it comes to teaching them things that will make them successful some day, delayed gratification will play a much bigger role. It will develop far more important character traits than any other academic skill. Delayed gratification will teach grit, patience, and self control. It will allow my kids to resist temptations and avoid distractions in this ever changing, rapid paced world.
