The pregnancy and birth of our third child wrecked me to my core. There, I said it. The honest truth.
I haven’t shared much about this journey for many reasons. It requires me to be vulnerable, open, and transparent. I’ve always been nervous that once I tell her (our) story aloud to people, the circumstances would become permanent. Or, it would be insignificant and unworthy of telling.
I’ve always been somewhat of a private person when it comes to life’s struggles. I figure…who in the world cares to hear about all of the “messy” moments? But, that’s just it. The WHOLE part of someone’s life connects you deeper to them. The gritty, “no so perfect” parts are what make us REAL, AUTHENTIC, and RELATABLE. Letting people in on what you go through is necessary & important.
(Image via: www.positivelypresent.com)
It’s hard to understand something when you haven’t gone through it. This is a lesson I’ve truly come to understand over the past year. It wasn’t until my third pregnancy, this past year, that made me to truly understand the importance of self care, how guilt and shame can rob you of your joy, and why vulnerability matters. Empathy. Shame. Guilt. Grace. I’ve learned about these things on a deeper level since being pregnant and giving birth to our daughter. I’m realizing that when we open up about our pain, fears, worries, and experiences, we can make an impact on others. It might help someone cope, relate, find comfort and courage, and not feel so alone. So, this is why I share…in hopes that one person may be able to resonate. To those who are struggling, going through a rough season, or feeling lost…hang onto hope, accept help, know you won’t have all the answers, that it takes a village, and be kind to yourself! To all you new mamas out there, remember this:
Pregnancy is a just a teeny glimpse into the journey of motherhood, a prelude to the main act.
Once you become a parent, you learn that life, quite simply, is not about you anymore.
Someone else now depends on you.
And…that can feel HEAVY, because….well, what a profound responsibility it is!
A huge honor? Of course. Yet, it’s a path that contains a lot of uncertainty and unknowns. Pregnancy and parenthood slowly sheds our layers of self centeredness. It forces us to reevaluate our choices, behaviors, priorities, and beliefs. Prior to having children, we perceive ourselves in a certain way. You THINK you know yourself. You THINK you would respond or react to situations in a certain manner. You THINK you can handle it all out on your own. You THINK you know more than you actually do. But really, there is SO. MUCH. LEARNING. to do.
(image via: sasiistock)
Life can be a crazy roller coaster ride, with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I genuinely believe that our outlook and way we respond to circumstances will determine our level of happiness. Will it be easy? HECK no. But, its a process of learning to ride the ups and downs, ebb and flow.
In July of 2017, my husband and I found out our family would be growing. While it was exciting news, I have to be honest that I was a bit overwhelmed thinking about the months ahead. With my first two pregnancies I had gestational diabetes. Following the birth of my 2nd born, I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Without having kids, this can be a tough disease to manage and control. So add two young, energetic boys to the mix and I was left wondering how I would be able to keep up with the strict food logs, closely monitoring my diet throughout the day, avoid cravings, minimize stress, exercise consistently, and keep myself as healthy as possible. Not to mention, the endless amount of doctors appointments this necessitates throughout pregnancy.
While my diabetes diagnosis in 2015 didn’t come as a complete shock, it was still a tough pill to swallow, as it runs deep in my family and has created a lot of health complications. Earlier this year, my dad had his right leg amputated up to his knee. So, I know how destructive this disease can be to the body and how critical it is to stay on top of it. Such pressure it can be while pregnant, to say the least! There is a lot to anticipate with this disease…so many unknowns.
And, the first of many unknowns began at my 20 week ultrasound.
Going into this appointment, we weren’t anticipating to find out the gender of the baby, as we waited it out with all 3 of our kiddos. So, this doctor’s visit would seem like any other one, aside from the full anatomy scan, which is always super exciting and fascinating. I mean…I’m always amazed when they go over the spine. All of it’s tiny vertebrae…it’s crazy to think that you carry LIFE inside of you. Such a surreal feeling!! All went seemingly fine inside the ultrasound room, so now I walked across the hall to meet with my high risk doc…you know, go over diabetes info.
As I was called into the his office, he began with the usual dialogue about my logs and how my numbers panned out for the past week. Shortly thereafter discussing this, he looked at me and said, “I want to show you something we noticed”, as he turned the screen for me to look at.
This phrase would become all too familiar in months to come….
